Wanted to submit a grievance of an ASCA facilitator who refused to give me information of whom I could contact for an issue, and for singling me out and admitting that she did so.
At a Virtual Meeting, many shared and had a lot of support. During some feedbacks given, some individuals did crosstalk. I know that sometimes the facilitators will say something in general at the end about not speaking crosstalk if they feel it wasn't something that could be hurtful. At the part where we all state how we felt in the meeting, I mentioned I had an upsetting day and wanted to share in the café and would like to do so if that was ok (we have done this in the past and it's stated that we can do so at the meetings.) I then stated that "I learned a lot from what others had to say and appreciated everyone." The facilitator blurted out "that's crosstalk!" I was done speaking at that point. Although, the group may have felt I had more to say cause she blurted that out as I was finishing my last word. We all sat in silent for a rather uncomfortable minute.
The other facilitator, Facilitator 2, then stated for another member to go next, as him and I started speaking at the same time on accident and he spoke up and said I could go. This member himself did what is defined more closely with the definition of crosstalk by saying "you" at the end as he was addressing the group. The facilitator who corrected me, Facilitator 1, said nothing, I spoke up and said that was crosstalk. Facilitator 2 mentioned something about not using the word "you" after that. As they close up the meeting, Facilitator 1 states "that there were a few people who did crosstalk both directly and indirectly tonight and I want to remind everyone about that...." While I am paraphrasing, she did mention there was more than one person, and yet she only corrected one: me. This is a problem. I didn't say anything until the meeting ended. When the café started I asked for the definition of crosstalk, as I remember it being between two individual people or about a specific subject another one individual spoke about. Facilitator 1 spoke up and told me it was in some manual. I stated I only had the Survivor to Thriver manual and then she stated the manual, she was referencing, was in the first emial I was ever sent. This is not helpful whatsoever.
Facilitator 2 said she had it and started to read it. After she read it I mentioned I was not sure how what I said was crosstalk cause the definition did indeed reference crosstalk as something that occurs between two individuals, from one person to another person. I then stated, especially since it was something about me appreciating the entire group, that this was a positive message and I wasn't addressing nor signaling out one person. i wasn't speaking about the subject either. I made a general positive statement of appreciation. Facilitator 1 stated we weren't going to argue about this and I stated I am not arguing, I am trying to stand up for myself and figure out how the definition fit what I did. I am trying to understand where I went wrong. She then continued the conversation stating it was crosstalk and they are the facilitators so what they say goes. I then asked for the name and number of the person who runs ASCA, cause I wasn't going to argue either and felt that proper expectations should be set so that we as members know what to expect for crosstalk, as the definition does not address a person making general statements towards the entire group. Facilitator 1 told me if I wanted to talk to this person, I could attend the next ASCA training coming up. (Wait, what??! that's not an appropriate place to discuss an issue like this and would she even have time during the training??) Facilitator 2 then laughed after Facilitator 1 said that, and stated that the person who does the trainings will reference people speaking towards the group as crosstalk and Facilitator 1 echoed the same thing. Despite the obvious bullying of refusing to give me the info I asked for, ignoring my grievance, and throwing it back in my face that the person I would speak to would side with them anyways, I again asked for her name and number or email.
Facilitator 2 then read some statement about group crosstalk that this person they are referencing as a trainer says, they still don't say nor tell me her name. After she read that new definition, I stated "well then the definition for crosstalk needs to be updated, Period." I then started to say "because the one we hear only talks about an individual speaking about another individual." Before I could finish, Facilitator 1 interrupted me. I stopped to listen. She said my name......(I don't remember the sentence she says here cause what came next was horribly devastating.) Then she said my name again and said she is going to have to remove me from the group and then, she did just that.
Had I known positive statements towards the group were wrong, I would have been more careful. In addition, people say to others in individual feedback "i appreciate you or what you said." (how could what I did be wrong when saying the same thing to each other?!) I can not tell you how much I cried that night. I have lost all faith and trust in ASCA. Facilitator 1 typically corrects me, I have felt singled out before, and today she admitted to it when she stated others had done it in the meeting...but I was the only one she called out! In addition, she called me out after I literally just said I had an upsetting day. Where is the wisdom and compassion here??!!! Could she have not said something to me a bit later or include me in the general statement instead of giving me a direct call out? Also, before she booted me from the group, she gave no warning that she was going to do so. She didn't say anything about my behavior. Didn't point out any way I could do something differently. The Morris Center's own survivor to thriver manual states that these meetings are there to help us survivors of abuse "to try out new, more adaptive behaviors and in so doing to better understand themselves and their recovery process." I have no where else to go to learn and develop and grow, especially in a group setting with others who have been through similar situations. I am 40 and struggle extensively. I was robbed of the ability to develop while being raped my entire teenage years. I am beyond and extremely upset at the continued abandonment I keep having in my life and inability to try and sort things out. The ONE PLACE I thought there would be some understanding, some help, some give in working with me, I was laughed at, bullied, and refused help and information. ASCA's meetings are not a safe place for anyone to be nor grow. I wasn't even being unreasonable. I had a legitimate concern, I didn't cuss at all, it was obvious I was a bit upset, especially after being laughed at and essentially told talking to someone would not do any good and continued to be refused that information of someone to speak with.
After I was booted from the meeting and had stopped crying, I reached out to Facilitator's 1 husband, Facilitator 3, for that same information and I informed him that I respected there relationship and felt it was best I spoke to someone else. He was not in the meeting. He stated I would eventually speak to him cause he was a board member. Fine. Whatever. I texted him about what happened. He said he would speak with Facilitator 2. I then texted him "How about some professionalism, Facilitator 1 could have just given me the name and number of the person I was asking for and be over with it." I have no hope for anyone in ASCA nor at the Morris Center taking me serious and doing anything about this. In addition, Facilitator 1 uses the meetings to sell her book. She always mentions it to new comers and I even bought it to support her. All the facilitators are good friends on facebook and with the one being a board member and married to the other facilitator, who refused to give me information so this issue would end and who also kicked me out, are all huge conflicts. ASCA again is unsafe and unprofessional.
The Norma J Morris Center for healing is the creator of their currently primary program: Adult Survivors of Child Abuse self help support group. (ASCA). ASCA is an international self help support group run entirely on donations with no paid employees, nor are the board of directors compensated. The money that is recieved goes directly into the improvement and provision of services for adult suvivors of child abuse, and is run entirely on donations.
I am a survivor of child abuse that attended a few different support groups in the San Francisco Bay Area over a period of three to four years . I also studied and practiced the 21 recovery steps of the program that were created by The Morris Center in collaboration with psychiatrist, psychologist, survivors of child abuse. Many of the professional caregivers we're also survivors of child abuse.
I cannot express the value of this program in my own recovery process. I suffered from PTSD with constant anxiety and depression. I was often suicidal. The insight and support I received was an integral part of my recovery process. I honestly do not believe I would have been able to face the painfulness of the recovery process without the program and the provided support of my fellow survivors. I will be forever grateful for this organization and Norma Morris for helping me regain my life.
Review from Guidestar