Where to start, first I guess I’ll say I’m a first responder for a rural department in Georgia. I was born into a first responders with my dad being a volunteer firefighter and deputy sheriff. My mother’s father was the EMA director and fire Chief. Throughout the years growing up I would listen to my dad and grandfather talk about calls they ran, both good and bad. Hearing all the calls had me wishing I was 18 so I could feel that adrenaline rush they always talked about.
When I did turn 18 the fire service was no where near my mind as I had found girls, parties, drugs and alcohol and soon depression and anxiety.
Skip on ahead to age 21, I found myself in rehab 6, months after my birthday, wondering if this was what my life was supposed to be like? Snowballing into a downward spiral I was reaching for anything I could to be happy. I wasn’t suicidal at that point just unhappy with myself and my life.
After rehab I decided to change my life and take on the family legacy of a first responder. I was in a new relationship with the mother of my first child and things were good but could be better. My adventures with drugs and had ended and I was focusing all my attention at my soon to be wife and our child. As the years went by my marriage was becoming anything but blissful. My wife would constantly put me down, in the fire service, at home, in front of family and friends. I would get ready to run a call and my wife would start an argument, “you’re putting the fire department above your family, you’re not even a “real” firefighter, you can’t do anything anyway,” the nagging never stopped. Before long I had no self esteem, desire to be any better bc I felt I’d never be able to be good enough. I didn’t know any better and thought that’s just marriage, that’s just love.
In February of 2017 my wife said she wanted a divorce, she didn’t love me and hadn’t for a while. At first I was relieved, but that relief didn’t last long as I begged and pleaded to make it work, bc I did love her and thought I’d never be happy without her. (Boy was I wrong!)
Once the divorce was final, I found myself wondering lost, lonely, confused. I tried looking for love in all the wrong places. I used alcohol to find my happiness again. With the fire department I became more involved in training, calls and other duties an an officer.
We had a bad call one Friday night that involved a passenger car with a family of three and a train. I remember arriving on scene and hearing the sounds of someone’s final breathes. The ten year old little boy’s face and gasping for hear haunted me for months after the call. As time went by every call seemed to be just as bad as that one and soon I was remembering every patient, victim of every call I ran.
In June 16, 2018 my world was rocked and brought me to my knees. We had just got done eating Father’s Day dinner with my family and I received a phone call. My oldest son, age eleven, was at a mud bog with his mom and her family, when a truck lost control and ended up hitting my son and he’s two cousins, killing them instantly and leaving my son with multiple broken bones and cuts, scrapes and bruises from head to toe, along with internal injuries. For the next 16 weeks I remained strong for him as I gained my strength through him and watching him overcome his injuries. He, now, is a normal active teenager but I can’t help but be scared and wonder what he thinks about when he gets quite.
I continue to run calls with my department but every call started to freeze me up and I would loss all ability to handle the call at hand. Flashbacks of each call, each night in the hospital, every scream for help, would pile on me when I’d close my eyes. The only way I thought I could deal with it and make them stop was to drink. Drink so much that I’d pass out.
In April of 2019 I decided the drinking wasn’t enough anymore. I went to hangout with some friends and started drinking. After a scuffle I got my keys and went for a ride. That night was going to be my last. I pulled onto an old backroad and pulled my pistol from between the seats and put the barrel in my mouth, closed my eyes and just as I was about to pull the trigger a tear rolled down my cheek and landed on my hand. That tear felt so heavy I pulled the gun away. I started thinking “I can’t do this here, my own brothers and sisters will have to respond to this call and I can’t let them see me like this.” I drove off and into another county still wanting that night to be my last. I knew the road would come to an intersection to turn either left of right. I hit the gas and never stopped at the stop sign. I destroyed my truck and I walked away from it without getting hurt. How? Why? I’ve always wondered.
The next year, in June of 2019 I lost a very special person, mentor, my grandfather. In August, I decided I couldn’t do it anymore, I was going to die, somewhere, somehow, it didn’t matter but I was going to end it all. I came up with a plan that the next structure fire I ran I would walk in and never come back out alive. Thankfully that fire never came. I wrote a letter to my chiefs and told them my intentions. I already came to terms that my two sons would have a good dad in my ex wife’s new soon to be husband. They wouldn’t need me, my family wouldn’t have to deal with me being stressed, depressed, lonely. It would all be fine.
After handing my chiefs the letter with my intentions, they gave me names and numbers of people to help, all I had to was make the call. I spoke with a nonprofit organization (Next Rung) based here in Georgia and was told to fill out an application for Save A Warrior. The absolute very best decision I ever made! I filled out the application and waited eagerly for my rostering call. The call came in from SAW and I spoke with Brian Hagerty. After our hour long call, all I could do was sit and cry bc I found an organization, who knew NOTHING about me, willing to accept me and my flaws, my short comings, all with no judgement and an abundance of love.
The weeks between my roster and the beginning of my Cohort, were full of nervousness, excitement and hope.
If it hadn’t been for Jake, Chef, Jeff and every other brother and sister that have my back, love for me and hold space with me, I wouldn’t be here today! The calls I ran in the past don’t haunt me anymore, the calls I run now don’t sit on my mind. My sons can see that their dad isn’t the same as I was before SAW, my life has meaning where I didn’t think it did before. I’ve begin to focus on myself and I now know I am worthy! None of this would be possible without my experience with SAW
This is such a profound program that heals the warrior within.
Before Save A Warrior I was lost and could not find my family. No direction and really feeling frustrated with life. My life was changed the week I received a new chance at freedom from my dark past with loneliness. I found my family here who helped me emerge to my true self . I gained back my life which I lost in the military and finally came home. Forever grateful for the family who brought me back to life! Thank you!
SAW Cohort012
In 2006 - I suffered a stalking incident related to a criminal case I investigated as an Lapd detective. I had to protect my 11yr. son. I was in constant red alert as the stalker had located my home and in tremendous fear of losing my son. I was impossible to live with. From 2008-2012 I became addicted to Opioids prescribed for a work injury and I suffered a drug-induced psychosis from a cold turkey detox in order to return to work. My spouse had divorced me after 17 yrs of marriage. My life had spiraled and I subsequently began reliving debilitating trauma. I was tired and hopeless when I contacted Save A Warrior, Jake Clark. Within one week I had walked through my fear with amazing female warriors like me. I learned to live with vulnerability and I got back the person in me that I lost. Truly a miracle. Today my son is 24yrs. I am retired from LAPD honorably with a viable pension. I live each day in gratitude. I should have died. That year in 2012 only one Lapd police officer died to suicide. I guess it wasn’t my year after all. The yearly usual was two . I thank SAW for saving me, for equipping me with the tools that taught me how to show up everyday for the one person who deserves it most-me.
This organization gave me my life and a place with people I could actually trust. Good people doing things for the right reason, for fun and for free. I can’t recommend them enough.
I love! LOVE!!! This non-profit. They have helped me so much to get unstuck. I've did a lot of work on myself prior to joining Save A Warrior's Trauma Detox Program, but I was at a stuck point and wasn't sure how to get to my breakthrough. I attended a cohort in California in March of 2020 right before the pandemic and it was worth every second and penny. I did so many things out of my comfort zone and I learned so much.
Save A Warrior gave me confidence I didn't know I had, they helped me be more mindful and grateful, they helped me face my shame and made me say it aloud, and I gained so many Brothers and Sisters from their program. I now know, that I had to deal with my feelings, say my shame aloud in a safe place to move onward to the healing place. I now meditate twice a day, I'm calmer, and I no longer feel the need to be a perfectionist anymore. Now, I believe, I am worthy and deserving of all the good that life and God wants to give me.
I am so grateful for this program and my household is too as I have shown tremendous growth and the days are full of joy at home!