Kadima

Years ago, I moved into a Kadima group home. I was assigned M as my therapist. I am writing to complain about my experience.

I have been diagnosed with major depressive disorder (DSM code 296.33), generalized anxiety disorder, and social phobia. You can decide for yourself how that affects the veracity of my complaints.

I had problems with my roommate, Mike. He described his hallucinations to me. He also said that God spoke to him. He said when he was told to hurt people and destroy property, he knows it is Satan talking and he ignores the voice. He spoke of the dangers of the outside world. He bragged that he was prepared to commit acts of violence, if necessary. He was angry at the neighbors. I don't know whether he was lying or hallucinating. He wouldn't let me open the blinds. He spoke to me of sex, he seemed to be attracted to me. He would insist on flexing his muscles for me. I was surprised because homosexuality enraged him. Mike explained that the Bible endorsed the death penalty for homosexuality. Mike said that that homosexuals' live were worthless and that killing them was not a sin. 

I complained to M about these things, I mean the hallucinations and the threats. I said Mike was dangerous. He said that life wasn't perfect, and that I needed to learn to adapt and tolerate it. M would laugh at me in an effort to make my concerns seem trivial. He kept saying "that's life!" This also had the effect of cutting me off any time I began to speak about the conditions at the house. I really would have my voice drowned out by uproarious laughter. I suppose I could have just started screaming. I think I should have.

Mike became angry at me because I had a video game system in my room. He kept entering my room and unplugging it while I was away. On one occasion he shut off the house's power at the circuit breaker. He said the power company said power surges were emanating from our house, and that he believed the video games were the cause. I told M and he laughed at how silly the situation was. Mike finally gave me an ultimatum: he told me that if people were trying to force thoughts into his head, he had God's approval to do whatever was necessary to defend himself, he was prepared to kill these people. Then he advised me once again to remove the video game system. I did so. Then I complained to M about Mike's homicidality.

I told M about NGRIs. NGRI stands for not guilty by reason of insanity, it referred to people who killed while they were psychotic. I described some NGRIs I had met at previous treatment centers to M. I explained that Mike's conduct was exactly like theirs before they killed. He said those were just rumors. I told him that their stories were available in the newspaper. M just laughed.

One morning, Mike began screaming "I wanna die!" at the top of his lungs. When I went into the living room, he saw me and told me that he wanted to kill himself, then he started screaming "I wanna die!" again and again. I called clinical director S and I left a message. I said that Mike was screaming and hallucinating, and that he was out of control. S called me back sometime later. She suggested that I call her with my cell phone so that I could be outside of the house when I spoke to her. I did so, and then I told her that he was screaming and making threats. She asked me if I had a safe place to go to, I said I could stay with my mother. She advised me to do that. I told her I was disappointed in Kadima, I said that other mental health organizations would never leave a person alone and untreated if he was homicidal, suicidal, and psychotic. Mike went to the hospital.

When I saw the case manager, she was angry with me. She said, "don't just go over my head and tell my boss. You have to talk to me first. If you have a problem with a roommate, you bring it up at a house meeting. You don't call the clinical director." I said, "my complaint is that he is telling me he is going to kill himself." She said, "and if that bothers you, you need to wait and bring it up at a house meeting." I asked when the next house meeting was. She said there was none scheduled. I asked to schedule one. She was pleased to say she didn't have her planner, so I'd have to wait. She was behaving this way because she wanted me to know I didn't have any power or authority. When the case manager left I called S and I left a message that Kadima's policy was disgraceful.

While Mike was gone, I got a new roommate. His name was Larry. I was alerted to his existence by a note on the front door of the house left by S. It is good I had that warning, because I would have thought he was an intruder.

Three days later Mike returned. He realized I called and reported his behavior, and he was very resentful towards me. I was in an even more desperate situation because my complaints were ignored. I think since Kadima had a clean bill of health from the psych ward, they felt no need to listen to my warnings. Even if Mike killed me, the hospital would be responsible. I was surprised at how cavalier Kadima was when it came to our safety and well-being.

Mike started to get very angry at Larry. He was enraged that Larry had an earring. He said Larry was a disgusting piece of s***. He also said that Larry was whispering evil things through the walls. He said Larry was claiming to be Lucifer and that he was trying to tempt Mike into doing evil things. He said he had experience with that before. He told me this story: When he was in a psych ward, another male patient tried to get into bed with him. Mike said he grabbed the man's throat and strangled him until he passed out. Mike said that his was going to kill the man, but that hospital staff people pried him off the man. He said it took five people to do this. Mike then said he was prepared to do the same thing to Larry. He said he was prepared to kill him if necessary. I called S again and I left a message. I said that Mike was still unstable, he was still hallucinating and homicidal. S called me back and left a message, she didn't do anything to fix the problem.

Mike continued to make romantic overtures towards me. He asked me to sit with him on the couch. I told him I was satisfied to sit in my chair. He told me that he was looking forward to the day I felt comfortable enough to sit with him and cuddle. He began to tell me that he and I would be in heaven together. He told me he looked forward to that. He told me he hoped it would be soon. I grew concerned. I expected he would eventually try to kill me because he would blame me for his sexual desire.

Mike started saying, "Soon you'll be old, you'll see. Then you will die." He started saying this to me constantly. Eventually he left off the first sentence. He just kept saying "You will die."

I had been wedging a shoe under my door to brace it while I slept. Now I started sleeping with a knife next to my bed as well.

Mike continued to rail against Larry. He said Larry was a freak and that he no longer felt safe in the house. He said he wanted it to be just him and me. He said he expected that there would be violence. He said he felt sick all the time because of the evil thoughts and atmosphere. He said he had to lock the door at night (his door locked but mine did not) and that he was afraid of being sexually assaulted. He kept telling me he was going to kill Larry.

I called S and said that if she failed to intervene, it was likely that someone would die. I told her that I was no longer responsible for what happened, and that Mike bore no responsibility, since he was insane. I told S that she bore sole responsibility for whatever would happen, and that if she ignored the problem and if someone died as a result, she would end up in hell. I was desperate to get someone to address the problem.

I complained to M that my calls were ignored. He said S had stopped listening to them, she was forwarding them to M. He said he hadn't listened to them. I explained that the calls contained information about homicidal plans and that ignoring them was depraved. M laughed and tried to trivialize my concerns. 

Mike arranged a house meeting with the case manager and used the meeting to criticize Larry. After ten minutes or so of this hateful ranting, Larry began to cry. He said he was willing to go to the hospital. It was a hideous moment, but I think it saved Larry's life. Mike calmed down a bit.

Mike began directing more anger towards me, since I was the only person left in the house. He would yell at me. He stole a lot of things from me. One time, I asked him for a cigarette and he charged at me with his fists in the air and he screamed at me that I was taking his things. I realize that if I instinctively threw a punch to defend myself, one of us would have ended up dead. Mike got angry at me for not cleaning up after him, he knocked on my door and started complaining. I refused to open the door. He started screaming and hitting the door. I got my knife and decided that if Mike opened the door I would kill him. After that incident I decided I would not stay any longer.

M tried to get me to return to the house. He said Kadima discovered Mike was not taking his medication. He said they realized that he had been skillful at hiding his symptoms. He said I should move back in. I said, "you realize now that he had gone unmedicated for months, and that all my warnings were accurate, and you expect me to trust you now? I'm just supposed to trust that he is being properly medicated? Why should I risk my life based on your word?" M said, "oh no, you misunderstand me!" I asked what I misunderstood. He said, "we're not doing anything to make sure he's taking his medication.” M told me to meet him half way. He said they needed me at the house to keep an eye on Mike. I refused.