On January 29, 1986 my son Christopher was born still, it was the worst day of my life. I had no support from the people in my life that I thought would give it to me. They thought I should just get over it, and move on. They also believed that it was the best thing for me since I was in such a abusive mariage and now with the loss of my baby maybe I would leave my husband. But, they never considered the pain and hurt from the loss. Never considered he was my son
and how much I wanted him. As for my husband, he just drank the problem away and did not/would not discuss it. It was like he
was never born and the pain inside me just burned.
Time would pass and I had two more boys, but come January I would be depressed the entire month. I had no one to talk to.
I didn't want to hear anything from anyone, so I just kept it to myself. Come January 29th when everyone would be in bed
I would qietly sit by his urn, lite a candle and say a prayer and wish him a Happy Birthday and tell him I love him and Miss Him.
When I was pregnant with him and after and my husband and I had a fight or I needed just to get away I would walk down in
the park and just talk with him. It was a beautiful park, it had long paths with a few water falls and beautiful trees and brooks. I
loved going there it was so peaceful. Sometimes I would sit for hours on the rocks by the brook and sometimes if you were
really quiet you would see deer. I would talk to him and tell him how wonderful things were going to be and how no one was
ever going to hurt him and how I couldn't wait to hold him. No one really knew how special he was and how much I wanted him.
Well, finially my ex-did the wrong thing, he put his hands on my son and we got divorced and that was that. It was just me and
my boys. Now I could more openly put Christopher out, but not infront of anyone else. January was still rough, but I made it ok,
A few years went by and I met a wonderful man. I didn't tell him about Christopher because I thought he would be just like
everyone else. Come January though I lit my candle like always and a few days later he asked me what that was all about and
also said I didn't have to tell him if I didn't want to. I told him the entire story and he couldn't believe I hadn't told him sooner.
The following Christmas there was one box under the tree on Christmas eve "To Mommy, Love Chriss." I started to cry. I was
not allowed to open it until 12:00am. When I did it was a gold necklace with a small head of child with his name engraved and
his birth date and birth stone. There also was a cross that was bless and I later received a heart. That is the only necklace I wear to
this day. The card that went with it was a card from a little child signed from my husband of course but in read "Christopher"
and said "so that he would be with me always" of course I cried.
This had happened every year since that time. One gift goes under the tree for me from my son and one gift goes under the tree
to my son. He never gets left out of our lives. On Christmas my husband would get him a small replica of something he would have
gotten if he were alive. Like a trycicle or a bike or a car one day during the summer he surprised me and we even had lunch
on the beached and guess who came, thats right Christopher, he can never say he wasn't on the beach.
I still never really talked about Christopher outside of my husband and my children. Then I started going to theropy and some things
came out. I wrote a children's book and it was published and so bad I wanted to help other. I wanted to help others not feel the pain
that I had to endore. I know that I cannot stop their pain and the loss of any child is hard. But when you lose you baby at birth the
pain seem unbareable. You anticipate the birth, you pick names, you talk to him/her and dream dreams and the he or she is gone, just
gone. The pain just stabs like its sickening stabs and with no support even with support its not good. I just wanted to help women and their families.
So, I did a google search and came up with 1st Breath and wrote them and them put me in touch with ISA and I started a web site
www.support-the-fight-against-stillbirth.com. I don't care if 1 or a million books sell. If people just go to their site and donate I will
be happy. Its not for me, its for them. I wanted everyone to know that stillbirth is real and see if there was some way I could help.
To make a long story short, even though this is a very long story....I just wanted to help them and in turn they helped me. I met through
1st Breath an Angel named Pat..her sons name was Christopher to, how amazing is that? She gave me information so that I could
get my sons Birth/Death Certificate. I tried to get that when he was born and was told that was impossible because he was born dead
and that he had to be born breathing. Do you have any idea what that does to a mother? He was alive, alive in me. I know it, I felt him.
NOW, after 26 years, 26 long years my boy is going to be recognized, not just by me and his dad. But by the state of PA. All those
people that told me to get over it, forget him, well he is now recognized by the state of PA . He was alive and he was here I know it
God knows it and the state of PA now knows it. Thanks to the wonderful works of Angels and the GREAT works of people the
ones I have been so Graced to meet at 1st Breath. I believe that it was by the Grace of God that I met Pat and pray that many others
are put onto the path of these wonderful people.
1st Breath needs to be more wide spread in more states so that more people can be helped by them. I will never be able to thank
them enough for what they have done for me and imagine.....I wanted to help them.........
God Bless all The People at 1st Breath